I have never needed to go grocery shopping before now. I’ve lived under my parent’s roof for the last nineteen years and they’ve always handled grocery shopping. Yeah, I’ve gone to the grocery store with them, but I would only be there to make things go faster. So now with Coronavirus, I’m back home instead of living the college life.
That leaves me in quite a pickle. I can’t get a job because nobody’s hiring and my mom is not going to let me just sit around and doing nothing at the house. That means I’m in charge of grocery shopping.
I’m fine with taking over shopping duties, but not right now. At this moment, the state of Ohio is basically in complete lockdown, so that means everyone is flooding into grocery stores. This is completely unfair for a rookie shopper.
My mom laid out a great shopping list for me, everything in order by aisle in the store. This shopping list is the Bill Belichick playbook of shopping lists. The problem is, Bill Belichick is drawing up plays for
Tom Brady Julian Edleman, not Drew Thirion. So, I’m not able to perform at the peak capabilities many veteran grocery shoppers can do.
Before I went into the store, I set an over-under on the number of items I wouldn’t be able to find. The Vegas line was set at -3.
You should’ve hammered the over.
I pulled into an empty parking lot and my confidence began to climb. There wouldn’t be any people to get in the way and I won’t have some gross person coughing down my neck. What I didn’t expect, was Giant Eagle looked like it had been attacked by wolves.
I swear people don’t realize the government isn’t shutting down grocery stores. What do you need 45 gallons of milk for, where are you even putting it? I thought milk went bad in like a week? They were low on milk but there were zero, literally, and yes I am using literally correctly, zero cleaning supplies.
Where am I supposed to get my Clorox wipes? Unlike most people, my mom always has a steady stream of disinfectant wipes and hand soap on demand. The nasty people of Howland, Ohio must not have had any beforehand, because there were none left on the shelves now
The worst part of all of this was that it essentially became a punishment for my mom. Instead of her getting a nice break of not going to the grocery store, I berated her with a zillion phone calls, trying to find the most basic items on the list. Moral of the story, you wouldn’t send a rookie out to close Game 7 of the World Series, so why would you send me out to try and grocery shop in a pandemic?
Follow the Author: @Drew_Thirion